Cranial Vomit

I posted the below article in a private forum some time ago. I just got a text message reminding me about the incident so I’ve decided to edit and post it here for the rest of the world to enjoy. I say “edit it” as I wrote it in the back of a cab in the early hours of Australia Day..

So.. Uh, enjoy my drunken rantings.

The day before Australia Day was quite a confusing one for me - well, the end of the day was anyway. It is 3AM and I find myself alone in the middle of Highgate, sitting on the curb next to the hollowed-out remains of a television set wondering to myself if the taxi was going to arrive anytime soon. I needed ice for my hands which were starting to swell up.

But before I get into that - let’s start at the beginning.

Northbridge was calling me that night - well, not really, I don’t believe a whole suburb could call me.. I mean, that would be a really really big phone. The caller was actually an attractive young lass who I met a few weeks earlier at the Paddo.

I was at the bar next to her when she picked up her drinks and turned my way. As she was facing me with two drinks in hand, I caught her eye and said “Gee, just buying me a drink isn’t going to get you the goods. I’ve got ridiculously high standards y’know”. She laughed, called me a smartass and left. I sat down out the front and drank my beer, had a smoke and 30 mins later a beer suddenly appeared in front of me with her hand attached to it.

“I know you said you have high standards, but I’m buying you a drink anyway”, she said to me. “But that means its your shout later”.

My brain screamed at me telling me that she was gaming me… What? No! Has the world gone topsy-turvy?? That’s MY job! - so I turned to her and in a hushed tone said, “Uh, look - you must be confused. I’M the guy, YOU’RE the girl. I do believe I am the one who is supposed to be using corny lines on you. The last time I checked - I don’t have tits”. I started feeling my chest for mythical breasts. “Here, feel this - no mammaries”. I grabbed her hand and made her feel my flat, un-muscular nerd chest. After a cheeky attempt at a tweak, she agreed that I was indeed not a female and we sipped our beverages over flirty chat. A few mins later her friends popped by, said they had to go and off she went. She flung a beer coaster at me with her name and number scribbled on it with a message below saying “call me”. She smiled as she left.

I immediately texted her a message “I told you to stop using my pickup lines - you’ve got my number now, YOU can do the calling”. A week later she messaged me back and invited me to Northbridge for drinks with her and her friends.

Which brings us back to the night before Australia Day.

When I arrived ar the pub, she was there with a large group of friends who I naturally had to impress. Strangely enough though I found myself drawn to one of her best mates. Noticing my attention was being focused on her, I threw a couple of group opinion openers (”Who is skankier - Paris or Britney?”, “If you were gay who in the bar would you fuck?” and “Am I the only one who finds Jake Gyllenhaal incredibly annoying?”.) In the end I realised that I was invited along to be set up with the very girl I was hitting on. It was time to take the plunge - I politely asked the group if I could “borrow” their friend for a while but when I grabbed her hand to go, one of her friends jumps in front of us with a camera for a photo op. I whisper into ear “give me some sugar” and point to my cheek. She kisses it for the photo and then I promptly complain that I had blinked and demand another photo be taken. I point to the other cheek, get a kiss and another photo is taken. I complain once again saying this time she blinked and take the camera away from her friend to take a “Myspace” picture of the two of us. I point to my lips and say “you know the deal”, she kisses me for the shot and the rest of the night pretty much writes itself there.

About 30 mins later I realise it’s time to for me to vanish temporarily so I set my phone to ring me back. I take the “call” and tell her I have to bail a friend out from a predicament he’s gotten himself into. I leave her my dogtag necklace thingy as a promise that I’ll be back and leave.

At times like these I have to take the opportunity to move away from the action, think about what I’m doing and regroup. Crap, is this all in my head? Am I drunk and making a fool of myself? Have I eaten yet? I proposed the answer to one of these questions and decided it was food time so I toddled off to the local convenience store to get some supplies. After a delicious giant sandwich and two cans of red bull, I’m energized and return to the scene of the crime. I return to the group demanding hugs because everyone missed me so much and went back to where the action was to be had.

The rest of the night went swimmingly. We bounced through a few more pubs and ended up at the Paramount which was pitiful. The place was hot, smelly and it sounded like the band was on crack. My new lady friend started to complain that it was really hot so I jokingly suggested we jet to the beach to cool down. She one-upped me and suggested we go to her pool instead - a 20 min walk away.

Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner.

After a moderately short yet drunken stroll we arrive at her house…..

And thats where all hell breaks loose.

Out jumps this guy who had evidently been sitting on the porch waiting….

for his girlfriend.

Who just happened to be attached to my hand.

It seems she was recently in a long term relationship with a guy who has trouble letting go.

My hopes that he didn’t see us sucking face at the front gate were dashed as he took a swing at me. Miraculously I dodged it, hit him in the ribs and backed off quickly. A verbal cluster-fuck erupts and it becomes clear to the guy that the girl picked me up and I had no idea that she was with anyone. Just when I thought things had calmed down he goes to hit her and that’s where my caveman instincts switch on and I jump in before he could do too much damage. After a brief scuffle I leave him looking like a tomato had exploded on his face as he hoons off in his Excel (it’s hard to make a dramatic departure in a Hyundai).

After we both calm down, she apologises to and offers me her number so we can continue it another day. I take out my pen but instead of handing it to her I grab her hand and write my number on it telling her to call me once she sorts her shit out. I peck her on the cheek and leave.

So here I am, sitting on the side of the road wondering to myself what the hell just happened. The taxi pulls up and I get in.

“Happy Australia Day”, says the cabbie to me.

Happy Australia Day indeed.