Myspace News launched today, so I decided to check it out…
Some analysts say this will be the next big thing bringing mass input towards a socially driven news website.
By the looks of day 1’s front page - one thing leaps out and smacks me in the face…..
It’s Myspace.
Sex dogs for dogs? Jessica Alba’s ass?
Awestacular .
I said goodbye to Myspace.
Oh, such a sad occasion.
4 years have passed, 1500 comments left, almost 3000 friends made and a handful of stalkers.. an era has passed.
Fortunately with my newfound busy-ness, this has probably come at the best time - I simply don’t have the time for Myspace. But the social networking bug is still there, so I have decided to move onto Virb at virb.com/grum. Virb is what myspace tries to be but fails miserably. It is a gorgeous site and the CSS is delicious to play with. At the moment my profile does look a little like a dog’s breakfast but I’ll sort that out in the near future.
Hopefully this means I’ll free up some time to get back to blogging and writing the book.
Hope everyone had a tops long weekend.
Cheerio!
Earlier this week I got an eMail from a Myspacer with a very interesting question:
“If you had to provide a document listing ten guidelines to surviving the modern world, what would they be?”
ten guidelines to surviving the modern world eh?…
I gave it 3 mins thought and came up with the following list:
1. Always wear two layers of underwear. This way, when you get laid at a stranger’s house you can conveniently leave one pair behind giving the lovely lady the impression that you don’t soil yourself for the erotic pleasure of it all.
2. Always try to step twice using your left leg when walking. The right leg is predominately the more powerful one, so throughout your life you will find yourself turning to the right more often. By gaining strength in the left, you will find yourself walking into situations which will surprise you and sometime arouse you.
3. Never under-use the word “moist”. Try to use it as often as possible - you’ll be amazed to see how it changes the whole dynamic.
Example:
Before: “Mum, your chocolate cake is really nice”.
After: “Mum, your chocolate cake is really nice and it makes me moist. It also reminds me the fact that once upon a time, I was inside you. Was it as good for you as it was for me?”
4. Never practice what you preach. We all say stuff what we don’t mean - lying will get you everywhere.
Examples of such pointless preachings:
“I love condoms! Whoever said having sex with a condom is like eating food without taste is completely wrong!”
or
“I would not even consider the concept of molesting a 4 year old!”
5. Abbreviations are the wave of the future. Time is money. Don’t waste it by saying words and sentences. JSWYFWMUA! DGNIKDG! SDFDSDFMILF!
6. Don’t be afraid to be completely racist. Bringing attention to one’s self is just one way to get far in society. It is simply another form of the peacock effect. Whilst you’re at it, Masturbate onto the pages of the Koran whilst in a mosque. That’ll get you lots of brownie points.
7. Feminism is a dying fad from the old hippie days. Help progress the modern society along by forcing women back into the kitchen. If she complains, give her some helpful encouragement with the back of your fist.
8. If you find a woman who can fit her fist into her mouth - marry her.
9. With advances in medicine, Herpes, Gonorrhea , Syphilis and AIDS will be irradiated in under 10 years. Always keep that in mind when shopping around for prostitutes.
10. Be heard. Don’t hide away opinions in case you think it may offend.
Heck, I think I’ll do exactly that right now…
I FIND THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS!
I hope that top 10 list helps you with your life’s journey.
G
server.
After screaming, swearing, crying, spitting and pointing furiously at my server, I’ve managed to finish the overhaul.
so stop bugging me.
It’s back up.
If you’re bored, why not see if you can break my website - if you aren’t already on it, the web address is at http://cranialvomit.com.
Oh, during the upgrade I was just looking at my server logs - the search query report is a bit disturbing. For those who aren’t aware, websites have the ability to log all search terms used which directed you to their site.
For example - if you search for the words “grum is pantless” (without the quotes), you will find my page at the top of the search results and as soon as you click on that link, my logs will show that someone searched for “grum is pantless”.
The problem is that certain people seem to be search for interesting things to find me… a quick browse of my logs show:
pedo chat
green slimy vomit
photo of spilt yogurt
glory hole
aussies love america
sailors come to perth
warm coke vomit
corruption
myspace stalker
vomit licking whore
Obviously I’ve used those words in my blog somewhere… but why exactly would you want to search for “vomit licking whore”?
god.. some people.
we all know you should search for “vomit and shit eating whore” instead.
Much better.
Edit: Yes, i know a few things are broke… but its almost 2AM. I’ll fix it tomorrow :)
The internets is a wonderful place. I’ve been online in one form or another since the late 80’s and have met a LOT of people. The majority of the people have been awesome and I (lamely) try to keep in touch with them in real life as much as possible.
Unfortunately there is the flip-side to that as well…
The freakin’ psychopathic weirdos.
Now most people think that only the females out there get loonies hassling them online and in real life, but it does seem us guys get it as well.
I just got off the phone a few mins ago with someone who could easily be defined as my personal stalker. The reason why I had to call this girl was thanks to a series of texts I got over the past few hours..
The text messages started off quite innocently:
SMS: “Hey Chris, was just thinkin of yu. wanna come to NB tonight n pill? my shout”
30 mins later:
SMS: “Hey not sure you got my last msg. call me”
Whilst this was happening, she started to message me on MSN:
MSN: “Hellloooooooooo you there? :-)”
MSN: “Did you get my text messages? I wanna party LOL”
MSN: “You thereeee?”
5 mins later:
SMS: “You getting my MSN messages? i think your phone is broke. did you drop it again? LOL”
2 mins later:
SMS: “I know youre home Chris. Stop ignoring my messages”
At this time I was out shopping in Karrinyup and didn’t want to be disturbed as it was simply a de-stress time for me. My MSN said I was away and also mentioned I was out at the shops at the time - you’d think she’d put two and two together and figure out that I was busy.
But no:
MSN: “HEY!!”
MSN: “I can see you on Myspace. are you not talking to me?”
The fact of the matter is that my computer at home is connected to the net 24/7 much like my sidekick phone. It is continuously logging onto my Myspace account and forwarding me any comments or friends requests etc to my eMail account as well as auto-responding to eMails sent to my Myspace account. Also, I have it set up to auto-post blog entries and bulletins that I usually write earlier in the day. The same goes for my cranialvomit blog.
So to anyone who is paying attention to the blog or my Myspace profile, yes it does look like I’m online a lot - but in reality I may be out at work or on the other side of the country.
In this case though, I was at Karrinyup shopping for manchester.
The bed sheets that is, not the football club… they don’t pay me THAT much at work. It has getting increasingly embarrassing to me that people are witnessing my hideously mis-matched bedroom linen.. but I digress.
Anyway, things quietened down thereafter. I got home at 10PM after almost 4 hours of shopping and noticed I had 5 missed calls from a private number. I don’t answer private numbers anyway because I have a LOT of people who have my number as it’s available on the net for all to see. I don’t mind random stranger text messages but I’ll only voice chat people who I know. I figured if it was important they’d leave a voice-mail so I kicked off my shoes, watched an episode of the Daily Show and eventually passed out on the couch.
At 10 past midnight I was awoken by a message:
SMS: “FOR FUCKS SAKES CHRIS GROW SOME BALLS. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME THEN FUCKING TELL ME AND STOP HIDING FROM ME. I KNOW YOURE ONLINE”.
Well, I wasn’t online - I was busy being asleep and allowing drool to ooze down my neck.
So I decided to pick up the phone and sort this mess out - I was greeted by tears over the phone, followed up by a barrage of insults, abuse and then begging.
So for the first time in my life, I had to tell someone who thought they were my friend to basically fuck off and die.
It wasn’t a very fun thing to do. Yes, I do have a bit of a temper and have had my share of screaming matches with people as well as a few punch-ups. But I don’t break up with friends - I either stay friends, we drift apart or they turn on me and go mental. I’m too much of a pussy to tell people to go away when I don’t like them.
But it seemed it was my turn to go mental this time and I had to get rid of her.
So now after blocking any form of communication that she can have with me (aside from my mailing address - thankfully she’s never been to my house) I still feel incredibly lousy and a bit weirded out about the whole surreal experience.
I’ve had my fair share of ’stalker’ type people online who don’t get the hint that I’m too busy to talk to them and even I’ve had two incidents where someone actually abused everyone on my top 8.
But tonight really took the cake.
So here is a tip for the girls and guys out there - chill the fuck out, creepy isn’t really that attractive.
There I was surfing Myspace, posting bulletins, sending eMails, stalking preteens…
y’know, the usual….
and then I get this eMail in response to my recent bulletin……
I feel so olllllddddddddd….
y’know what?
myspace is incredibly retarded.
and not in the usual way that you can be retarded.. i mean it is REALLY retarded.
it’s like that kid you knew once in primary school which your teachers forced you to stop throwing stones at him but one day your mum decides to be a good Samaritan and invite him over so you think to yourself “ooo, retards are stupid retards in their retarded little ways, so I’ll take the opportunity to have sex with this retarded retard and tell all the guys at school that I lost my virginity to that Jessica girl I made up but it really was retard, the redardy retarded kid”. But after you start pounding into the virgin ass of the blubbering ball of a failed clotheshanger abortion, your cousin scott catches you in the shed and threatens to tell mum unless hes allowed to join in, so reluctantly you agree only to find yourself being brutally sodomised by cousin until you find blood streaming from your eyes, in place of the once sickenly sweet stream of tears previously erupting from your face. So in a last ditch attempt at keeping your dignity you slay them with a sharpened shovel which once laid in front of you… but before you bury the bodies, you finish off your work because all know a hole is a hole.. living or dead…
uh…
yes. its THAT retarded.
anyway, I say this because I realise that the last 10 emails I sent within the Myspace site never reached their intended destination.
apologies to anyone who eMailed me in the last 48 hours - if I haven’t eMailed you back its because I actually have and it never got to you.
well, either that or your profile picture looks remarkably like my cousin sam and I was too busy pleasuring myself with a bloody shovel to be bothered responding to you.
So from now on, I shall ONLY reply to eMails vial the conventional eMail system or through MSN..
you all know my eMail - its on the blog.
you all know my blog - its on the web.
you all know the web - its on the internets.
you all get the idea - i’m gonna stop the hilarities right about……
now.
Edit: not even an hour passes and I already have gotten some flack about not using myspace for email. Pfffft, that’s all I have to say about that. Most of you know that I have a habit in writing several essays worth in an email reply - to see that vanish after I submit it and it not even appearing in the ’sent items’ is incredibly frustrating. Don’t like it? Don’t email me :)
Earlier in the day, I posted a comment on the Myspace bulletin thingy.
It went a little like this:
————————————————
From: grum the evil boxmonster! BOXZILLA!
Date: Nov 23, 2006 5:23 PM
Subject y’know what myspace is missing?
Body:
Bulletins about fisting.
I mean, when was the last time you sat down and read a quaint little bulletin about handballing one’s lover?
I don’t believe I’ve seen even one bulletin and thats just a travesty.
Just a thought is all..
G
————————————————
Well, after I sent that out, I got a butt-load of emails (hah!), so now I write a rebuttal (puns intended).
It seems the people of Myspace are a lot more open than I expected and after the last bulletin, I now understand why people choose to keep the concept taboo and hidden away from public attention.
So after that, I decided to go through the Rolodex of the left hemisphere of my brain and locate something that actually IS taboo and not regularly discussed on this fine social networking site.
I came up with one thing…
Felching.
This fine sexual practice is usually performed behind closed doors, usually by two consenting adults but occasionally by a small handful of Greek men in Turkish bathhouses.
But do you ever hear about it?
No.
Even at the office Christmas party, when everyone is all liquored up and spilling juicy secrets about themselves - the utterance of the word felching is never to be heard. Sure, you might get offers for a good sodomy session by your employer, or that receptionist with the mustache may throw up her dinner all over the HR manager but felchery isn’t discussed.
Why?
I really don’t know.
And really, I don’t know WHY I don’t know. Unlike the aforementioned fisting, the possibility in tearing one’s love cavity is very low. It is a safe and fun activity that should be enjoyed by the whole family.
So the next time you see a cream pie in front of you, don’t just stare at it through glazed eyes and look for someone to high-five. Why not share the nectar of the love gods with your loved one, or even with a 3rd person in the room - say your 13 year old brother hiding in the closet with the video camera. I’m sure he’d be up to a bit of snowball action with you.
Oh, and don’t forget to share your adventures with the rest of the online community.
Because really, there isn’t enough smut on the internets.
G
About 30 mins ago, I set up Myspace to eMail me whenever I get a comment posted or a message sent - the eMail is sent directly to my Sidekick..
I got up, went to the loo and came back to see the below:
bloody hell…
I have no life.
Oh, for those who need an explanation to what you’re seeing - I’ve gotten 27 eMails from Myspace in the 5 mins it took me to do my business in the loo.
Yes it took me 5 mins. I had a big lunch.
G
ahh yes. another radio appearance over and done with…
after manging to personally insult random people that I know on live radio I thought most people would have tuned out at the midnight mark - but strangely enough no.. A number of you (not a huge number, but a number nonetheless) wrote to me questioning the last 30 mins of the show - yeah, honestly I don’t know either.. I was most likely delirious with stupidity. And yes, I wasn’t kidding about the fact that my insides were being stabbed my angry leprechauns… its about 2:30 now(ish) and I’m still in pain - I somehow think I’ll be visiting Mr Doctor tomorrow..
thats a definite on the doctor visit given I just stopped writing this stupid blog to throw up.
so instead of finishing this off properly, I’ll bid thee farewell so I can die slowly in the corner.
oh wait.. no, the purpose of this post is to answer a couple of eMails - yes, I have decided to move the blog away from Myspace… Given that Myspace has been so unstable recently and has been deleting my posts every so often, I’ve decided to host it on my personal server. So uh, yeah… thats your answer folks.
Oh, and to clarify those “offensive” things that I said on the radio - no, Young Ty certainly isn’t gay…. I’m sure he’s great with the women… I guess. Although to be honest, I’m sure he would make another bloke very happy… if the right guy came along… *cough*
I won’t mention the other people I may or may not have offended - chances are they weren’t listening, so I’ll keep my mouth shut :)
good night.
*die*
G
Young 17 year old Clarissa just eMailed me to say she is astonished by the amount of smut and depravity i put in my posts on a nightly basis.
Unfortunately, I know little Clarissa in real life, so I can’t exactly tell her to fuck off and die in a Balinese prison whilst getting sodomised by a beach seller trying to sell her a Paul Frank knockoff handbag….
Cos thats whats prolly gonna happen to me this time next month….
Karma’s a bitch.
In an attempt at getting me to lower my vulgarity, she has offered me a challenge.
A challenge so cunning that it has me hooked.
It has me caught in a web of curiosity that I can’t escape.
With this challenge, I am but a lonely mouse pinned under a spring loaded piece of wire and I realise that I am paralised by this mousetrap and shall die a painful death involving starvation, whilst a morsel of cheese sits only millimeters away from my furry little nose.. yet completely out of reach.. i must have the cheeeeeese.. the cheeeeeeeeseeeee…… uh.. where was I?
I seem to loose track of my thoughts when delicious trapcheese is involved.
Mmmm cheese.
Anyways, the challenge is - if I am able to last until the Saturday after next without being rude or perverted on any Myspace bulletin…….
she will show me her boobs.
Thats right.
Her boobs.
So uh.. I bid all of you a farewell and er… if you were hoping for some sick and twisted grumness… well.. umm Just uh.. subscribe to my blog instead…
peace out.
G
actually.. NO!…
TWO can play at this game.
This is a message to YOU - the Myspace community.
If you like what I say in these bulletins and want me to continue with my usual shenanigans - make me a BETTER offer than Carissa’s.
I don’t care what is is. It just has to be better than teenage boobs.
Yes, I know there are only a few things in the world that could defeat the power of teenage boobs - even Kryptonite is rendered useless when placed next to a perfect form of perky, supple young barely legal funbags…
So there… The challenge is out there for YOU, MYSPACE!
I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT TIGER!
So send me the solution to my problems! I don’t care WHAT it is, just DO IT NOW! E-Mail me, IM me or even send something to me in the post.. All addresses are on my profile. You MUST rise to the challenge and crush these delicious melons of doom!
Please.. don’t do it for me….
Do it for your COUNTRY.
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