Cranial Vomit

no, not really - I’m just sitting at a fish & chips eating establishment watching kids run around like total retards. I probably should point out that they are in fact retarded and I have a strong urge to throw my can of Pepsi Max at the fat one. Little bastard thinks he can get away with picking his nose in public.

food makes me happy

G

After waking up in strange unfamiliar surroundings this morning I finally decided to commit and move out of the place that I’m staying at the moment.

Currently I’m living in a huge place about 15 mins north of the city centre. Just the other day I had a rent inspection and a rent increase was thrown at me. Previously to this I was getting a good deal - cheap rent in a good suburb close to work and literally a stones throw away from a large shopping centre, fast food and a servo. But in a few weeks I’ll be forced to pay for the place at a more realistic price for the area. Combining the $250 that I’ll be paying for my rent and the $70per month I pay my gardener (as well as the occasional $40 cleaning lady when I find myself too lazy to do the job myself) - it all seems a wee bit too much for what I really use the house for.

A family of 7 could easily live in this place - for me though it seems to be the place that I occasionally sleep in and store my furniture. Most weekends I’m either recovering in bed in anticipation to ruin my central nervous system later in the day or waking up at someone else’s place trying to make the conscious decision on should I go home or just kick off the night from there. Yes, I may use the house a bit on weekdays, but to be honest I’ll only use a fourth of the house, leaving the rest to gather dust and store more of my crap.
And after waking up in Kardinya, I realise that Marrangaroo (although close to everything via car) isn’t really a central location when it comes to a tightass like me who doesn’t like paying for taxis. So here I am, sitting at my PC at home trying to find rentals that are suitable for my lifestyle. So far, I’ve found 1 bedroom sardine cans located in complexes that come with a free dose of hepatitis B. So now, I ask you - the public of the internets to help me with the search.

If you happen to know of any place that will be available in a month, is under the $220 per week range, fairly close to the city, north of the river, more than 2 bedroom, Foxtel and ADSL friendly and isn’t the size of my large intestine, drop me an eMail.

G

PS. If anyone can shed some light to what the hell I did last night, it would be muchly appreciated. The hours of 1AM-6AM seem to have been stolen from my brain. Given that I seem to have not spent any money aside from the taxi to get home - I assume someone out there was being generous to me. I awoke to a seemingly empty house which generally isn’t a good sign do i jetted before taking the time to figure out where the hell i was.

Here I am, at a coffee shop minding my own business while sucking down a macchiato and I get interrupted by a bloke in his 20’s looking as nervous as hell who asks me a question:

“Uh, sorry to bother you”, he stumbled over his own words. “but you look like the type of guy who would have one… I uh.. You wouldn’t happen to have a spare condom on you?”

“A wha?”. I heard him fine, it was just amusing to watch the poor bugger try and repeat himself.

“A condom.. Y’know, a franga”.

“Yes I just so happen to have one on me”, I replied with no attempt at hiding my amusement. At this point I realised I had started speaking in a posh British accent, not wanting to look the fool, I continued. “But I am curious, you said I looked like I was the type to have one on me… What exactly gives me the illusion of being a condom carrying citizen?”.

“I dunno”, he squeaked “it was my girlfriends idea really. She reckons most guys who are gay carry condoms on them”.

“Ah right…” I said handing over the goods. “I guess that’s a valid observation.. Apart from the fact that I’m not gay”.

At this point I was still mildly amused over the strange sequence of events and was expecting him to apologise profusely but all I got was - “Really? Wow…. Well, thanks for this”.  He waved the square plastic prize as if it were the golden ticket to the chocolate factory and walked off.

Now, I don’t usually mind it when people assume that I am gay. Actually, it seems to be a a common question I get asked a lot recently - but by people who have chatted to me for at least 15 minutes. This guy on the other hand had already come to me on the preconceived notion that I was with no basis for that conclusion aside from a visual observation.

So I ask you people - eh?

Is it the hair? I mean honestly..

G

Arggggh!

As someone I know would say - I think I have the aids.

well, quite possibly bird flu. or more realistically a common cold.

Lets just step back a few weeks… About a month and a half ago I started my holidays. I hung around Perth for a short period of time, then Jetted off to Jakarta and had a miserable time for about 2 weeks. I then went to Bali and had the best time I’ve EVER had for about 3 weeks. So far so good.

Whilst in Bali, I perhaps overindulged a bit and run my body into the ground - all in the name of relaxation and stupid fun. I arrive back in Perth on Tuesday at about 2AMish and potter around the place till sunrise when I actually got home. At this point the exhilaration of a well-spent 3 weeks had peaked and I started to come down. A slight tickle in my throat developed and I had assumed I could just sleep it off. By now it was 8AM Tuesday morning when I finally got into bed - the last time I had actually slept was Sunday lunchtime, so as you can imagine I was slightly tired.

After 5 mins of shuteye my mobile goes off - a mate of mine has invited me to the pub for the Melbourne Cup. Drinks would start in two hours time… So knowing that sleeping would completely shatter me, I decided to stay awake and get ready for the cup, make a few calls and unpack.

The day went very well, I got drunk quite easily (I think my liver had decided to pack it’s bags and left for a holiday of it’s own thanks to my Bali binge drinking). I left the pub at about 8PMish - not too sure if my lack of alertness was due to sheer exhaustion or being over the limit (I had stopped drinking 3 hours before I drove so I assume I wasn’t DD).

On the way home I stopped at a service station to fuel up and bumped into a good friend of mine. She invited me over for coffee and given I was completely homesick from being away from all my friends in Perth, I had to comply. After a handful of coffees, random chat about the usual and way too many ciggies, I eventually got home just before midnight.

The worst thing happened to me - I couldn’t sleep.

I eventually got some shuteye for about 4 hours and then had to get up to do some errands that were well overdue. These errands ended up turning into a couple of random visits to some friends and I ended up getting dinner bought for me. Being the cheap date that I am, I had to say yes and stayed for a while. I got home at 10PM and once again tried to sleep. That didn’t work so I popped a few of my sleeping tablets and whilst waiting for them to kick in, I started to clean.

Y’see whilst I was in Bali, my landlord got in contact with me and sprung a rent inspection on me. I did tell him that I was on holidays for 2 months and that I’d be either out of town or at least away from the house for most of that time - I knew I was due for an inspection but I assumed by informing him of my holidays, I’d delay the inspection till I got back to work and back to normality. But no, that didn’t exactly work. Whats worse is, the 5ish weeks before I left the country I had been spending way too much time out and about on the weekends. Since i work full time, I generally don’t bother doing any housework until the weekend. Saturday is normally my cleaning day - I’m a single bloke who lives in a huge house and has an uncanny ability to mess things up like a hurricane without even trying. So technically, the house hasn’t had a clean in 2 months and was starting to smell.

Don’t even get me started on the state of the gardens - to be honest, I haven’t spent more than 5 minutes in my backyard since last summer. Thankfully I have a gardener who does a decent job for me.

So there I am, cleaning away and without realising it - its 4AM.

damn sleeping tablets didn’t kick in. I was wide awake.

I also noticed that I was continually coughing and every part of my body felt like it was being molested by a a sledgehammer that had come to life. Shit.. I was getting the flu.

I managed to get some shuteye for 2 hours and then I was wide awake again. Back to cleaning I thought….

no… it wasn’t that easy.

Every so often I realised I had to sit down. I was getting dizzy and was very light headed. I thought it was the fact that I haven’t been eating as much as I had been in Bali - over there I was eating at least 5 or 6 times a day. a huge shock to the system because in normality, I have a smoke and 3 coffees for breakfast, some tiny thing from the lunch bar for lunch and a microwave dinner at night. I decided to walk over to the Kingsway shops which was a good 5 min walk away, nearly passing out at the traffic lights. After a decent feed, I hung around waiting for my system to wake up - it didn’t, so I walked back and managed to throw it all back up in the park across the road.
Shitty Mc Shit Shit Shit.

A couple of hours later I find myself in bed with a fever, coughing continuously, unable to hold down any food and unable to get out of bed or even sleep.

Its almost 2AM now and I’m still in bed. I figure the house is clean enough, but I honestly couldn’t tell as I realise now that in my daze I had been doing stupid stuff like mopping the floor, walking to the mailbox then walking through the same room leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind me. In a desperate attempt at relaxing this cough, I dug into my medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of cough mixture and had been downing that for half an hour - only to realise later that it not only expired back in 2005, it wasn’t even cough syrup. It was a bottle of antacid.

I haven’t even locked up yet - the house is wide open for all to see. Mozzies are buzzing over my head, ready to inject me with some form of Malaria or Ross River virus. I’ve just downed a couple of Diazepam (Valium) that I bought whilst in Bali. I’m guessing my system has been rejecting my normal insomnia meds so hopefully the same won’t happen here. I’m absolutely stressed out about what will happen in 7 hours when the inspection occurs - for some of you, it may seem I’m hyping it up, but I’ve been renting since I was 17 - in the last 10 years I have quite possibly lived in 15-20 different houses and know what an evictable offense could be. I also have a feeling that they want to sell the place, which will crush me since I’m living in an awesome place at an awesome location for a ridiculously low amount of rent. There will be no way I’d be able to score a place like this again.

ugh. i’ve just realised that I’ve probably just typed up 1300 odd words of absolute fever induced rambling. I’m just tired and emotional at the moment.. I’ll go away now. gotta close the front door otherwise a bear may come in and eat my placenta.

I figure bears like placentas.

I had always figured that the buzz from my holidays would wear off gradually over the next few weeks. Usually when I have a life-altering experience, the excitement will take about a third of the time of the actual event to wear off. like when I had a car accident driving at over 100kph - the entire event from the “oh shit, I’m gonna die” to the “phew, I’m all OK” took about 3 mins. the adrenalin rush lasted for a minute thereafter and then I was myself again. Same with when I Bungee jumped. That prolly took 30 seconds and the buzz lasted 10 seconds afterwards (then I winged for 3 hours thereafter about how much a rip-off it was for such a short rush - cocaine would have been cheaper and would last longer). So using this rather disjointed form of maths, i should still be in Bali mode till next Tuesday.. I’ve crashed and burned a lot earlier than expected.
wait a sec.. I don’t have a placenta. i actually meant that corn-looking thingy that people have that makes insulin and hormones.. pancreas? oh god…

brain go bye byes.

G

PS. if you’re wondering where today’s installment of my Indonesian trip is - its sitting on my palm pilot on the other side of this wall (imagine me pointing over there). Unfortunately I seem to have packed it away somewhere in my cleanup..

PPS. when I close my eyes, i see all these pretty lights like I have my own personal aurora borealis in my head.. that can’t be good. I’ll go to the doctor in the morning after the inspection.