With the state of my webserver, I’ve decided to delay the post by 8 hours. By the time you read this, it won’t be the day that I’m writing about - but I’ll post it anyways, cos that just the type of guy that I am.
Yes, for I am the type of guy who posts irrelevant stories about irrelevant days, the day after the irrelevance becomes relevant.
I am here to talk about thanksgiving.
Although I am Australian, I was brought up on a strict diet of TV shows like “Sesame Street”, “You can’t do that on television” and “The Golden Girls” so I have dubbed myself an honorary Yank.
Thanksgiving is an important American tradition, like drinking Budweiser though a funnel held up by a barely-legal topless blonde college girls during spring break. It is a day to give thanks for things to be thankful over the past year.. I think. Television these days seems to want me to believe it’s a day to celebrate the slaughter of the American native population. I choose to assume its a day that is unrelated to slaughter because genocide isn’t funny. Unless Germans or the Jewish are involved.
What? not funny?
hey, I’m Jewish, so I can joke.
well.. no, I’m not really Jewish. feel free to send me anthrax.
Any way, the purpose of this post (aside from feigning extreme bigotry) is to talk about me giving thanks.
With the year rapidly drawing to a close, I have to say the last 12 months have been very hard for me - dealing with the separation, a dead-end job, multiple relocations and the worst case of insomnia I’ve ever had (and still have). But regardless of the days that had sucked, there have been plenty of days that have been rewarding to me.
Like a kid and his collection of stolen Hustler magazines, I shall cherish the positive days for as long as I can without making a mess of things. Thinking back to the good times, there has always been a theme with them - one single constant that revolves around each and every good memory:
People.
Compared to many, I live a fairly unusual life at the moment. When I was younger, I had the traditional social setup - one or two best friends and a couple of friend circles that I hung around with. Since I’ve recently had to overhaul my whole life, I’ve been experimenting with stepping out of the normality and being a social drifter - meeting random people in real life or online and going out and having fun. At times it been quite stressful, like earlier in the year when I found myself in meth lab somewhere in the southern suburbs surrounded by highly strung guys carrying guns. But usually things turn out positive for me and I end up having the time of my life.
Yes, I’m 27 - and I should start acting my age by growing up, buying a house and having kids….. Nah, fuck that. If I was to take the “responsible” road in life, I’d have nothing to be thankful for during this day of thanks.
So in closing, I guess I actually need to give thanks -
Thank you.
Thank you to all the people who I have met for the first time in the last year. I know I might have freaked you out, alienated you or perhaps we had an awesome time - but regardless, you’ve made my life a tiny bit better since our first encounter.
And also I’d like to give thanks to the small things that have brought joy into my life…
Like all the smut peddlers who just give away free porn on the Internets. Nights never seem lonely when gangbanging midgets are just a click or two away.
I’d like also to give thanks to the mentally handicapped. Without your sunken eyes and bulbous faces, I’d never get away with the amount of mocking I do on children. Somehow pointing and laughing at spazzes is a whole lot more socially acceptable than kidnapping normal kids, putting them in cages and poking them with sticks.
Thanks also needs to be passed towards the people who invented Nachos-to-Go….
And Hero dogs….
And Mrs Macs pies…
Well, basically I’m saying thanks to all the manufacturers of the delicious foods available at my local Coles Express at 4 in the morning. You guys rule.
Finally I’d like to give thanks to Internet porn. Yes, I’ve already mentioned that - but COME ON, how brilliant is it?
Night after night after night, people like Paris Hilton, Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy enter my house and entertain me. It’s like having my own personal petting zoo, just with a lot less horse shit and a whole lot more fondling, frotteurism and fudge packing.
Ok, 4AM now.. time for bed. Oh, thanks need to be passed to the guys who made me this bed - you’ve constructed me a vessel that itself gives me a LOT of fond memories to think back upon..
G
PS. Thank YOU - yes, you, reading this post. Without you, I’d be out in the wilderness preying on the elderly. Those old bastards sure know how to run. Especially when I come armed…
You give me a reason to blog… I don’t know who you are, but thats just the icing on the cake - for in my mind, you’re just an innocent little Uni student, looking for a deranged bloke on the web to make wild and passionate love to, under the stars, in a cemetery… preferably in a mausoleum - I don’t like getting grass stains out of my jeans.
You sick little pervert.
I love sick little perverts.
Don’t forget that Tuesday the 5th of December is the Day of the Ninja.
